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I know something is wrong with myself when I read my friend's blog about unconditional love towards her significant other, and I started to choke up. And cry.

Shit.

Perplexed II

The whole weekend has been a very emotional affair for me, trying to sort out the priorities in my life.

Trying to study, and spending less time sleeping.

Trying to spend more time with my family, and less time going out.

Trying to spend more time working out, and less time eating.

Trying to figure out who to spend time with, colleagues at an annual dinner, or ex-classmates at a reunion, or the one who's been constantly by your side lifting your spirits up when you are down (and finally he has his weekends free)?

I guess I could answer that question on this very day.

I myself am surprised with my actions.

Perplexed

That's the problem. I've always been talking about how people should not give hope to other people if they knew that the relationship was not meant to be, or would never ever happen.

And here I am, doing the same thing.

I thought there was something going on.

But now, I'm so going to break someone's heart.

Just like how people have done to me before this.

I know how much it hurts.

Convincing yourself that you are okay is the worst thing in the world when you are constantly thinking about that one person, wanting to know their where abouts, what they are doing, and what they are thinking about for that moment.

And you lose the battle to yourself, when you know from the start it is not going to work out, but you go ahead with the so-called plan anyway, thinking that things are going to change. And every bit of miracle that happens along the way makes you think that it's a sign from God that you should be together, but your heart tells you better. But you ignore the feeling until reality hits you right in the face, and you lose the battle to yourself, twice.

Damn it.

I'm so mean. :(

Psychiatric Series 3.0

People ask me what we medical students do in the psychiatric ward. Basically, we interview the patients, ask them why they are in the ward. After that, we do a test on them to see how well they are functioning despite their illness.


There was this patient who just got interviewed by a few people, and I think he was pissed at that time. So, there I was sitting with my colleague, Ayu, lepaking (the only ward where we can lepak and do nothing while interviewing patients) and suddenly this patient, Achik decides to ask me some questions (which is similar to the questions we usually ask the patients)


Achik : Bagitau apa persamaan antara epal dan orange.


Me : Dua-dua buah.


(This question is abstract thinking, the patient must be able to say something about the objects not what they see but more of abstract. Like if the patient doesn't have abstract thinking, they would answer, epal + orange = bulat, instead of buah)


Achik : Perbezaan?


Me : Warna die, satu ada tangkai satu tak de..


Achik : Apa perbezaan antara baju dan kereta?


Me : *paused* Owh! Baju sorang je boleh pakai, tapi kalo kereta ramai orang leh pakai.


Listening to this, my friend Ayu turned towards me and said "I don't think you have abstract thinking la" :P (or something like that)


LOL. *maybe I'm a patient after all*

Psychiatric Series 2.0

Patient : Saya suka baca akhbar, artikel, majalah pasal perang ngan jihad.


Me : Ye ke? Bacalah pasal orang muslim yang berjaya jugak.


Patient : Perang terhadap hawa nafsu pun kira jihad jugak.


Me : Kalo kalah terhadap perang hawa nafsu ni macam mane?


Patient : Entahlah.



Then I asked my friend, who is educated in a Sekolah Agama. or so :P


Me : Perang terhadap hawa nafsu pun kira jihad jugak eh?


Friend : A'ah.


Me : Kalo kite kalah terhadap perang ni macam mane?


Friend : Dosa lah.


Me : Kalo kite selalu pikir pasal benda jahat (perkara yang memuaskan hawa nafsu) macam mane?


Friend : Tulah beauty Islam. Kalo kite pikir je pasal benda jahat, tak dapat dosa. Selagi tak buat. Tapi kalo kite pikir pasal nak buat benda baik, dah dapat pahala dah. Walaupun tak buat. Apa lagi kalo buat benda baik kan?


Me : *thinking* Shit.. berapa kali dah tewas dalam perang hawa nafsu ni? T_T

Now I understand..

..what some people said to me.

I have been absent in the blogging arena for quite sometime, after the ever-depressing blog entry about suicide before this.

That is because I presented badly for that case to Dr. Nik, and worse part is, I presented badly not just to my group, but to the entire class. Yeah. 27 people okay.

So I haven't thought about blogging for quite sometime. Macam thought block pun ada jugak actually.

I felt real numb, depressed for a few days, didn't feel like going to the hospital and so on, but I realize this is one of the few obstacles that I have to get through to get to the medical degree.

Of course, I have to admit, it was hard to pick up the pieces of myself, I saw myself breaking down, I couldn't concentrate on studying and I became hypersomnia. Yeap, I started sleeping so much more, I found myself feeling better everytime I slept. So I kept on sleeping and sleeping and sleeping until I could sleep no more, and I had to face the problems staring at me directly in my face.

I actually became scared of presenting after the incident with Dr Nik, I was afraid I would stumble just like that day, and knowing my knowledge about psychiatric is very inadequate (for the time being, planning to catch up before the exams on 8th September.. eeeppp!!!!! scary!!!) I actually didn't even have the desire to clerk patients anymore.

It was hard for me to go to the hospital, hence I stayed longer at home, coming with multiple reasons why I couldn't stay in the hostel. Then finally, when I actually felt a tad bit better, when I could actually clerk again, I realized that the day of the exam will come eventually, no matter whether I am ready or not. Despite how much difficulty I have in facing and clerking the patients, I have to step up to the game, and deliver the history of the patient when needed to.

So I headed back to Kampung Baru hostel, with my laptop, my clothes, and most importantly a whole new mission : to study psychiatry and do whatever I needed to pass. Because in the end, the lecturers would not see the effort or the problems I face during the posting, but rather my performance during the 20minutes of presentation. Imagine that, 8 weeks of posting, turmoil and ups and downs of emotions, assessed in a mere 20minutes??

Eventually to prepare for the 20minutes of presentation, I decided to present cases, get my self esteem back and hopefully be a better presenter than the incident with Dr Nik.

Today however, I faced Dr Nik again, presenting a case that I clerked yesterday with much difficulty, and again, I was not fully prepared.

Now I understand, what people say when they say they can't concentrate when they see someone's face. Like when they see a girl's face smiling at them, and they are a male, and they couldn't concentrate on what they want to say. However, I felt that way when seeing Dr Nik's face. (bear in mind she's female by the way :P) I actually wrote down what I had to say when presenting, but even so, when I saw her face looking at me, I actually stumbled.

Damn it!

Me, Farah, the one who usually has so much to say, stumbled when looking at Dr Nik's face, even though there was already a script (or so called la) ready.

Now I understand how those people felt. Those who stumbled when they saw the face of a loved one, or a feared person.

I guess this is another obstacle I have to overcome. Hopefully.

At least I don't feel depressed this time around. :D

This is what happens..

when I'm in the ward and I couldn't clerk any patients.

konon-konon nak study, but couldn't concentrate. :P (lapar at that time)

2 seconds later...

start SMS-sing people. :D

So when I present the case (the one I'm clerking in the ward), I felt like this..






And 2 days later I felt like this..





Now do you guys get us psychiatric people?

Motorola Camwhoring

So I got myself a new handphone. Not some great handphone with 3G, GPRS or whatever stuff like that, but just a normal phone which can sms, call and take pictures.



I browsed through a few blogs and realized that I haven't been posting pictures for quite sometime. All my posts seems so wordy. So I'm posting up some pictures I've been taking with my new hp.

You can see the new handphone here

Me and Husna (in her car)

Me and Husna (in class)

Gundah

Aku tidak tahu kenapa aku bersemangat menulis blog dalam bahasa Melayu pula setelah sekian lama menyepi dalam arena blog ini. Mungkin pemergianku tidak disedari oleh orang pun. Maklumlah, blog aku tidaklah sepopular Kennysia atau Rocky Bru's mahupun Malaysiakini.com.



Tetapi memandangkan idea-idea aku seakan-akan mengalir bagaikan sungai pada malam ini, aku mengizinkan diri aku menulis blog dalam bahasa Melayu. "The Psychiatric Series" akan ditangguhkan buat sementara waktu, sehingga aku dapat menguruskan masa dan tekanan jiwa dalam hidupku dengan sebaiknya.



Aku antara orang-orang dalam jurusan aku yang tidak mempunyai teman lagi. Iya, tidak mempunyai kekasih, orang untuk dipanggil sayang, orang untuk ku berkongsi masalah, dan pelbagai lagi perkataan lagi untuknya. Tapi kali ini aku memilih untuk memanggilnya teman lelaki. Iya, aku tidak mempunyai teman lelaki. Konsepku buat kini adalah, sekiranya ada yang sudi dengan ku, akan ku layan, tapi tidaklah aku gersang hingga ke tahap mahu mengambil siapa saja yang berjalan didepanku dan bergelar lelaki menjadi teman lelakiku. Walaupun ada kalanya aku berasa sepi. :(



Kadang-kala, ada juga yang berkawan dengan ku. Tidak kurang juga yang ingin memulakan hubungan sebagai teman lelaki dengan ku. Tetapi hatiku gusar. Aku tidak mahu dilukai. Aku tidak mempunyai masa untuk memulihkan hatiku kembali. Aku perlu masa untuk belajar.




Tetapi, bagaimanakah kita akan tahu yang manakah pasangan yang telah dipasangkan oleh Tuhan untuk kita? Bagaimana kalau kita terlepas orangnya? Bagaimana pula kalau kita memilih orang yang sepatutnya menjadi pasangan kepada orang lain?




Gundah gulana. T_T


p/s : Aku terkenangkan filem "The Holiday" yang dibintangi Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jack Black dan seorang lagi pelakon yang ku lupa namanya pada masa ini. Kali terakhir aku melihat filem tersebut, aku menangis. Jiwang sungguh.

Di mana malu ku?

Di kala hati sedang gundah gulana memikirkan masalah jiwa, teman sekatilku (sebab kami berkongsi katil double decker, dia di bawah aku di atas) mengajak ku membeli ais krim di kedai berhampiran hostel kami.

Untuk mengurangkan berfikir mengenai masalahku, aku pun bersetuju, walhal diriku berasa mengantuk. (Aku sering berasa mengantuk tika menghadapi masalah, dan aku akan tidur, mudah-mudahan mendapat ilham bagaimana mahu menyelesaikan masalah dalam mimpi). Bila aku bersiap dan ingin menyarungkan selipar, sedar-sedar di muka pintu, selipar aku sebelah hilang. Tidak tahu di mana.

"Ah.. alang-alang sarungkan saja selipar mana yang ada di pintu rumah itu!"gentak hatiku. Aku pun menyarung selipar berwarna merah. Sungguhku menyesal setelah berjalan turun 2 tingkat ke bawah setelah itu. Selipar itu sungguhlah tidak selesa. :(

Kami pun berjalan ke arah kedai runcit yang lebih kurang 5 minit dari hostel kami. Nasib baik kedai runcit itu dekat. Kalau tidak, mestilah tapak kaki ini sakit nanti.

Setelah sampai ke kedai runcit, aku menyedari ada seorang perempuan cantik dan temannya keluar dari kedai itu.

"Cantik la perempuan tu" ujar ku pada teman sekatilku.

"Yang lepas rambut tu ke? Nampak macam pesakit psychiatric je"jawab rakanku pula.

"Bukanlah. Yang ikat rambut tu lah." kataku sekilas lalu.

Aku pun terus ke arah peti minuman sejuk.

Terdapat ramai orang lain di dalam kedai itu. Aku rasa mereka ini mestilah pelajar-pelajar dari kediaman berdekatan, seperti yang dari Universiti Kuala Lumpur dan Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia.

Mataku terus mencari minuman coklat untuk menenangkan diri ku. (Aku sering mengambil coklat ketika gundah-gulana) Akan tetapi, tiada yang ada di situ melainkan Dutch Lady Chocolate Milk yang tinggal hanya satu. Dan kotaknye seakan-akan remuk.

Aku pun mencari minuman lain. Mataku terpandang tin minuman jus nenas. Hah! Dah lama tak minum jus ni, apa kata beli jus ini sajalah!

Aku pun mengambil tin minuman itu, lantas mengambil satu bar coklat dan pergi ke kaunter pembayaran.

"RM3" kata pemilik kedai tersebut.

Aku pun membayar nya.

Aku terus mengambil tin minuman itu dan ingin membukanya.

Akan tetapi picu tin itu seakan-akan ketat, dan aku cuba menariknya untuk membuka tin tersebut, tapi tetap tidak berjaya.

Aku pergi ke kaunter itu kembali. Terdapat seorang lelaki yang seakan umur hampir denganku dengan secawan jeli di tangannya dan pemilik kedai tersebut.

"Abang, tin ni tak boleh bukak la. Boleh tukar tak?" tanya ku.

"Tak leh bukak?"tanya pemilik kedai itu kembali.

Lantas tangannya mengambil tin minuman yang dihulur tanganku.

Dia pula mencuba menarik picu tin minuman itu.

"Takkan berjaya la.. aku dah cuba tadi"fikirku.

Tiba-tiba, tin itu terbuka.

Lelaki seakan umur aku itu tersenyum.

Pemilik kedai itu menghulurkan kembali tin minuman yang sedia untuk diminum itu dengan muka selamba.

Aku pun mengambil tin itu dengan merasa tidak percaya. Rupanya aku tidak mempunyai kekuatan untuk membuka tin minuman. Di mana malu ku? :P