I was helping out cleaning the house on the eve of Hari Raya. There were 3 carpets still left to be unfolded, and to be placed at the respective areas. "Wipe out" was playing on AXN, and it seemed to be the most interesting thing to watch at times I wanted to stop working. I decided to sit on the couch and watch AXN. My elder brother helped to roll out the carpet instead, muttering under his breath, cursing indeed, mentioning why he was the one doing this, and I'm not helping, merely because he was the man, the brawns, the one who should be doing the heavy lifting. Or so they say.



Listening to my brother complaining, my grandmother who was sitting on the couch as well said "Every year I was able to do this myself, you're only doing it this year, and you are complaining so much. Only this year I felt unwell and can't do it myself."


SNAP~ right in my brother's face!



Upon hearing those words, I turned my head and watched my grandmother's face, the face with wrinkles, the eyes which has seen almost 73 years of the world, in happiness, in war, in devastation.. her cheeks which used to be held so tight and firm around her face, now sagging, yet still showing her prominent cheek bones, her mouth, full lips, which is considered sexy nowadays, almost forming a frown this time around.

My grandmother

At that split second, I felt something in my heart, I felt how my grandmother felt, it wasn't anger, instead it was disappointment. How such a minor task such as rolling out the carpet could cause such cursing and muttering, when not even one's life is at stake, unlike during her younger years, where young men volunteered to serve the country, leaving their families, the girl of their dreams, to get independance.



The very next day, on Hari Raya itself, we were heating up the meals that we prepared the day before and my grandmother told me that she wanted to get plates and bowls placed at the top tier of the shelf. As I went to get it, she waited patiently, eyes fixed on me, and her mouth non stop muttering words such as "Be careful", until the minute my feet landed on the small, square tiles of the kitchen.



As she scooped the Beef Rendang and the Chicken Curry into the bowls that I had just taken, she said "I feel so tired nowadays, even such a small task is hard to be done."


Listening to that, my heart ticked. I guess it is a sign from God, as I've been so lost for the past few weeks, feeling so detached from the world, not knowing what exactly is the purpose of living, where to go, what to do.


It seemed so clear to me, that as a grandchild I should be taking care of my grandmother. God knows how long she has left in this world? The only thing I worry is that I would have regrets later on, regretting not spending enough time with my grandmother, regretting not showing her how much she plays a big role in my life, how much I care for her.



All this time, it was a big dilemma for me, as I thought, living in Kuching means I would be leaving my parents, but I realized, they have their own dreams too, and their dreams were set in Kuala Lumpur. I also realized that leaving KL would mean leaving the comfort zone, leaving the nest, leaving the only place I really know, the only lifestyle I know how to live, basicly, leaving ME. Leaving a big part of me behind, not knowing what is set in front of me, rewriting the course of my life. But as I said, I wouldn't want to regret, I wouldn't want to curse myself later on, I want to say that I did live my life to the fullest, I did try my best to be a better human being than who I was in the past.


The only thing left for me to do, is to live in Kuching with her, so that we wouldn't be miles apart. And I know, that is achievable.

My grandmother and me (this picture was taken last year)

p/s : As other people become more headstrong, more confident or more spiteful in their blogs, my posts seem to get more sappier by the day. I do realize that. I guess I am just that sensitive.

Berakhirnya bulan Ramadhan

*Pictures taken in Masjid Wilayah Persekutuan, Jalan Duta

Men/Guys = Drugs.

Get to know one, then got so used to the person that he becomes not just a mere friend or acquaintance, but becomes a habit. And when you're so used to the habit, you tend to want to do it more often to achieve the desired 'high' effect that you feel when you first started.

Then when you can't get the drug no more, it makes you go out of your mind, you experience withdrawal symptoms, you think about the drug all day. I mean, he has become a part of your life, how can you just forget him just like that??

As the theory says, there is no easiest way to stop taking drugs. Maybe if you replace it by another drug. But, you'll be intoxicated so much by the other drug, that you would start depending on the new one later on. To be euphoric.

I need a new drug. I want you to be my new drug. Because you make me high.

p/s : I wish I was brave enough to mention the last sentence to the person meant to hear it. *sigh*

When the mind is not there with the body, it's no use for the body to be at the place where the mind is not thinking.

I always say that to my fellow friends when they ask me the question "Should I go to the hospital/ should I study but I don't feel like doing it?"

My answer would be the statement above. Why bother torturing your body going to a place where your mind, heart and soul is not at, and just be there for the sake of being there? Time is so precious, we should spend it wisely, as a whole, not just as body, or as mind and so on.

That's why when the question comes to me, whether I should go to an optional extra class, or go for an extra lecture, and I don't feel like it, I would just not go. Because my mind is not set on it. Although the statement "Kiasu people always win" is the way to go in my group, I guess, I would rather lose for that moment than be lost in space, staring aimlessly at statements coming out from the lecturer's mouth and heard by my ears.

The best way for me to avoid thinking too much about the mind, body matter, I usually sleep. That's the best medicine, ever.

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!

The world forgetting, by the world forgot.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned."

Alexander Pope, Eloisa to Abelard, as quoted by Mary Svevo.

I had just watched "Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind". Like 5 years late. (It was from 2004). But it was utter brilliance, never the less.




It made me think about how life goes. Can you just delete a person in your life, and not feel anything when you meet them again? It seems like you can't in that movie. No matter how you try to avoid it, if you have the attraction to that person, you will come back to them in the end.





p/s : Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey make such an eccentric couple as "Clementine & Joel" in the movie :D

After a long pause from blogging, it just seems so hard to start writing again. Everything seems to come out differently than I intended, and I thought if I never tried even placing words together to form sentences, maybe I could actually end up unable to finish even one paragraph.

I'm now in my 2nd posting in the 5th year, Psychiatry. Yeah, 2 weeks of posting basically to refresh our memory on what to ask the psychiatry patients, as our lecturer puts in, we have one in five chance to get a psychiatry patient in our professional 3 exam (our main final exam in May 2010). It may sound very far away, but really, it isn't. :(

Besides that, we are already in the 2nd week in the Ramadhan month, that means 2 weeks more to go before the Raya celebration, which means no more holidays after that and full concentration on studying :(

It has been majorly emotional for me the past few days, I've been feeling so upset about petty things, I watched 'UP' and cried rivers, like literally. Rivers, man. I know it's an emotional story, but the people I went with didn't even shed a single tear. I must have some issues I guess. Hah~
And the worse part is, after crying that much, my head actually hurts with a throbbing headache. Like what?? So much for the so-called tough front.

And as always, blame it on the hormones. Urm.... right.

Well, just hope I can snap out of feeling so blue soon. Why be sad when there's a gazillion reasons to be happy??

Yeah. Tell that to a majorly depressed patient and get tears back. Ha~