Waffle with ice cream, marshmallows and hot chocolate for my thoughts

Actually, a lot of things had happened. But I'm afraid to blog about it. Suddenly, I feel that blogging isn't safe anymore. You don't really know who reads your blog. Maybe a friend, maybe an enemy or maybe the very lecturer you're cursing. Haha~ Anyways, that's the main point. I don't know who reads it, I'm not really feeling comfortable laying out the very details of my life in the virtual world. I guess I'm not as open as I was when I initially started blogging, like about 5 years ago using the 'Friendster' blog. Many would say, what.. 'Friendster'? That's so ancient, we face-book now. Haha. So true. I guess I am ancient, I was from the 'Friendster' era. At least, I started from a Friendster era, and yeah, I do have a facebook account.


Anyway, I'm going away from my main point. As I watch my fellow coursemates update their blog ever so often, OKlah, not all lah, mainly Anot, hehe, I decided to update mine too. Between the free time I had eating, sleeping, studying and walking to the hospital, I thought, what should I write about? Recent events? Write another novel like story? Or a poem -- which I haven't done since high school?


Well, the very first thing I had to do was just to log into blogspot, and wa la.. Words started pouring into my mind, and my very fingers start typing away at a walking pace, steady, yet full of enthusiasm.


About the recent events thingy.. well, I've mentioned that my beloved cat Pedro died. I'm moving on. My family purchased two adorable young Persian kittens in grey and black as an addition to the cat family in my home. But of course, they can never take Pedro's place. They are not a replacement bear in mind, rather just an addition to what is already there. No two cats are the same, each of them unique, with their own piece of mind, and all my cats that are gone would definitely be missed dearly. I am after all a cat-person, an animal lover, and I get touched easily.


Well, to help me move on from the 'I'm losing Pedro phase' I did one thing that I always did before this, go out with a guy to help take my mind off things. It's just going out, nothing mutual you see. I've done it before, and it has always been the no strings attached principles. You can have your girlfriend or go out with other girls, but when you want me to go out with you or I want you by my side, you'll come to my aid. Some thing like that la.


What I never thought I would do is actually fall for this guy, those of the type I thought would only be a fling, another person who just walks out of my life. And damn I fell hard. I guess there's no one left to be blamed but myself, for the heartache I had to endure when he indeed walked out of my life (no matter how transient the heartache may be), although I knew that it never ever would workout. Like I said, it's nothing mutual. I knew the day would come when both of us would finally admit that it would never workout, but I guess the situation is like waiting for a guillotine to fall down and chop off my head, I knew it was coming, but the pain was still there, no matter how I anticipated the pain to reduce because I knew what was going to happen.


I am mad, not because this guy, this person, this human being walked out on me after all the time we spent together, but I was rather mad at myself for making my head believe what my heart wanted to believe - that it would actually be different, that it would actually become true, that it would actually be a relationship. I was mad at myself. And that's the worse feeling in the world to have. I failed myself, I let my heart push rational thinking aside, and most of all, all that I've done for the past almost 5 years vanish into thin air. Thank God that people around me are constantly telling me how important the next 10 weeks are to me, and how I've worked way to hard for this career I'm pursuing to waste it over a person that I've known for only a short period of time.


Well moving on from the regret phase, I'm basically putting it up in the blog to remind myself of what I did, to make better choices should I come to a junction promising the same results later on in life.


I'm starting the Obstetrics & Gynaecology posting, am in my second week now. Well, almost the end of the second week. Tomorrow is my first day in the labour room as a final year medical student. Kind of anxious and scared at the same time, afraid I wouldn't be able to deliver babies well and professionally as expected. Sometimes, we prepared so hard mentally, on how to react when in front of the real situation, but often we freeze when faced with the real thing. This often happens to me. I guess I'm practicing to calm myself down and not let the nerves get to me that badly. I'm still learning. Everyone is.


10 weeks left. A part of me wants it to end as soon as possible, another part of me is telling me I'm not ready yet. But no matter what, the final exam will come, Professional Exam 3. The only thing I could do now is prepare myself - mentally, physically, spiritually. And pray for the best.

Can you feel the ray of sunshine from my smile?

I am walking on sunshine, literally. I feel free! Damn. That's sounds like crazy talk now.

Haha. I just finished orthopaedics examinations today. I got one of the fiercest lecturers as my orthopaedic examiner, almost cried when I knew I got her.

But, life must go on, no matter how bitter.

She was amazingly nice today! Seriously :)

So I was the first one to present my long case, she only gave me 30 minutes to clerk, didn't have enough time to do the physical examination, so we discussed more on how to do the physical examination, and the discussion went on to management of the patient.

The short case, was a bit.. urm, unpredictable. Fracture of the upper limb. Maybe in ulnar or radius. Not sure, because patient on back slab, whole fore arm in bandage with presence of external fixator. Discussion went to what else was injured - nerve la, then discussion went to peripheral nerve distribution.

Huuu~

Basicly, will be starting O&G soon. Will be seeing only women.

No more hot hunks with torn ligaments, or boxers with shoulder injuries..

And also, it is a reminder that the last posting is here, 3 more months to PRO 3!!

Yes, we can. Yes, we can. (the chant said everyday to self)

Have a few days before new posting starts. Will be spending a lot of moo-lah in this few days, that I'm very sure. Hehe.

:D can you feel the ray of sunshine from my smile?? :P

I've had better days.

Pedro, dead.

My cat died. In a motor vehicle accident. Found it on the road while I was driving on the way to Serdang. Saw the cat's tail, and my heart beat faster. It seemed awfully familiar. I stopped the car, and checked. The collar was definitely the one I chose for it. It was lying in a pool of blood. My cat's blood.

Oh my God. How my heart stopped beating at that point of time. I was out in the middle of the road, my car parked at the side, and there were cars driving through the road. I didn't care.

My cat died! MY CAT DIED!

I still couldn't believe it. I felt that I couldn't breathe.

I carried my cat, and blood was on my hands. My cat's blood. Pedro's blood.

And he was so young. Only a year plus.

Damn it! He felt so furry, yet so weak at the same time. Most of all, he felt lifeless. I took out my handphone, and dialled my father's number.

Because although, he was my cat, he was closer to my dad. With my dad staying at home all day and all (he's a pensioner), and Pedro was always there watching all those Indonesian drama with my dad. They were pals. That's it. WERE. Past tense. Because Pedro's gone.

My dad walked towards the cat. He had this blunted affect on his face.

I took out a sack to carry Pedro home.

We had to bury him. At least, that's the last thing I could do for him. I couldn't even protect him.

I reached home, my dad holding Pedro in his arms in the passenger's seat.

My mother opened the door, rushing to see with her own eyes, to confirm, in deed, it was my cat, OUR CAT, which had died.

She gasped. Her voice changed. She then said "Your brother is not here, maybe you should take a few pictures, his last pics to show to your brother how Pedro looked like."

My tears started falling at that point. I always took pictures of my cats. They are my models that I don't have to pay. But to take a picture of my cat, dead?? It looked as though it was sleeping.

My dad started digging a hole. My mom watched over the hole. I kept on crying and crying.

But I still had to drive to Serdang that night. I had classes to attend.

That night, I couldn't sleep. I kept on thinking about Pedro. How I first laid eyes on him when my brother brought him home in a box. His eyes staring at me. Those pretty, pretty blue eyes. How it curled on my bed when I took it's picture. How it's bell sounded when it was running to get it's food. I couldn't sleep! It was almost 3am. Finally I fell asleep, but I woke up at 5am. I knew I looked terrible, but life must go on right?

It was hard. The minute I woke up, my mind zoomed to my lost. Pedro.

And the worst part is? I don't even remember how Pedro's voice sounded like. T_T

*this happened 2 weeks ago, but I only had the courage to tell about it today, still having my eyes watery though, but I guess it's one of the first steps to let go. I'm trying to get out of the denial stage of the stages of grief.