I woke up today feeling crappy

I woke up today feeling crappy. I had the worst dream ever last night, which details I refuse to discuss or elaborate in this blog. Maybe I had the dream because I just started to get to thinking about my life. My relationships with others to be specific. Maybe I've made to many mistakes in the past. Maybe I've been smothering people too much. But maybe, just maybe, I don't know any other way to show how much I care about other people besides that way. Maybe. Or maybe I'm just an ignorant bitch who doesn't give a damn towards what other people think, but just strive in getting what I want in life.

It was kind of weird thinking the way I did this morning.

I wondered why it was already Monday.

I wondered why the dark, musky dawn morning later turned into a bright shiny day.

I wondered why there are too many patients in the hospital waiting for their treatment.

I wondered why my shoes felt too tight although it is my shoe size.

On top of it all, I wondered why everything seems to be going on routinely although I am feeling crappy, and I just felt like rolling back into bed, and sleep. Or just lie there doing nothing, waiting as time passes by.

Maybe I've been wondering too much. Or thinking too much. About the future. Or the past. Or about the actions that I did. Mostly about those that I've regretted doing.

Or maybe because I didn't get enough sleep last night, tossing and turning on my soft queen sized bed at home due to the caffeine from the Ipoh White Coffee I drank before going to bed acting on my brain receptors, forcing my eyes to stay wide open. At 2.30am in the morning, and having a class at 8.00am in Hospital Serdang, and knowing the fact that I have to drive back to my college at about 6.45am to escape from the well-known KL-morning jam made me force myself to sleep, which I miserably failed to do. I don't remember when I fell asleep. I remembered dreaming for a while, then I was jolted awake by my father at about 5.45am. Miraculously, I woke up easily. I didn't hug my bolster and covered my head with the comforter, continuing to sleep as I used to do. Something has changed this time. I woke up feeling crappy. That's why.

What is crappy? How does that feel? Well, to me it feels like someone stabbed you right in your heart, take the knife out, and stabbed it again, and pulled your heart out so that it lies half way out of your body. It's not the "I hate everything around me but I can still function" kinda crappy. It's more like the "I don't want to meet anyone and I can't function and I can't think correctly" kinda crappy.

When you feel like this, can you just go to any general practitioner and ask for an MC? Then when the doctor asks you "what's the MC for?", after checking you thoroughly and establishing that nothing is wrong with you, maybe you can answer "Because I feel crappy." Probably the doctor would refer you to the psychiatric clinic, or worst still, just ask you to suck it all up and face your so-called world-is-going-to-end problems.

I'd probably go for the former rather than the latter. I don't even mind bleeding to death at that point. Because the stabbed heart just hurts too much.