I've had better days.

Pedro, dead.

My cat died. In a motor vehicle accident. Found it on the road while I was driving on the way to Serdang. Saw the cat's tail, and my heart beat faster. It seemed awfully familiar. I stopped the car, and checked. The collar was definitely the one I chose for it. It was lying in a pool of blood. My cat's blood.

Oh my God. How my heart stopped beating at that point of time. I was out in the middle of the road, my car parked at the side, and there were cars driving through the road. I didn't care.

My cat died! MY CAT DIED!

I still couldn't believe it. I felt that I couldn't breathe.

I carried my cat, and blood was on my hands. My cat's blood. Pedro's blood.

And he was so young. Only a year plus.

Damn it! He felt so furry, yet so weak at the same time. Most of all, he felt lifeless. I took out my handphone, and dialled my father's number.

Because although, he was my cat, he was closer to my dad. With my dad staying at home all day and all (he's a pensioner), and Pedro was always there watching all those Indonesian drama with my dad. They were pals. That's it. WERE. Past tense. Because Pedro's gone.

My dad walked towards the cat. He had this blunted affect on his face.

I took out a sack to carry Pedro home.

We had to bury him. At least, that's the last thing I could do for him. I couldn't even protect him.

I reached home, my dad holding Pedro in his arms in the passenger's seat.

My mother opened the door, rushing to see with her own eyes, to confirm, in deed, it was my cat, OUR CAT, which had died.

She gasped. Her voice changed. She then said "Your brother is not here, maybe you should take a few pictures, his last pics to show to your brother how Pedro looked like."

My tears started falling at that point. I always took pictures of my cats. They are my models that I don't have to pay. But to take a picture of my cat, dead?? It looked as though it was sleeping.

My dad started digging a hole. My mom watched over the hole. I kept on crying and crying.

But I still had to drive to Serdang that night. I had classes to attend.

That night, I couldn't sleep. I kept on thinking about Pedro. How I first laid eyes on him when my brother brought him home in a box. His eyes staring at me. Those pretty, pretty blue eyes. How it curled on my bed when I took it's picture. How it's bell sounded when it was running to get it's food. I couldn't sleep! It was almost 3am. Finally I fell asleep, but I woke up at 5am. I knew I looked terrible, but life must go on right?

It was hard. The minute I woke up, my mind zoomed to my lost. Pedro.

And the worst part is? I don't even remember how Pedro's voice sounded like. T_T

*this happened 2 weeks ago, but I only had the courage to tell about it today, still having my eyes watery though, but I guess it's one of the first steps to let go. I'm trying to get out of the denial stage of the stages of grief.

Ketika traffic jam

Hujan turun dengan lebat. Elina sedang menunggu di dalam kereta berhampiran stesen KL Sentral.
Menunggu kelibat seorang jejaka, Hassan, teman terbarunya.

"Kringggg"

"Hello.. ha, saya kat belakang kereta Storm tu.. ha.. " kata Elina lalu meletakkan telefonnya.

Tidak lama kemudian, ternampak bayang seorang lelaki, bergalaskan beg di sisi, berlari menuju ke kereta.

Elina memandang lelaki itu yang sibuk mengambil tisu dari kotak tisu yang tersedia di atas dashboard kereta Kelisa merah tu.

Rambutnya yang tersusun rapi, badannya kurus, matanya bulat. Kulitnya kuning sawo matang.
Terdapat misai dan janggut di mukanya. Kemas. Inilah Hassan, gentak hati Elina. Teman lelaki baru ku.

Lelaki itu memandang ke arah Elina.

"Ha, jadi nak pergi mana lak lepas ni? Basah kuyup saya lari dalam hujan"

Elina tersenyum. Lantas masukkan gear kereta, bersedia untuk drive ke tempat seterusnya.

"Pergi Mid Valley" jawab Elina.

"Mid Valley?" tanya Hassan lagi.

"Ha, kan nak makan. Tak nak carik tempat yang open air skrang. Nanti basah lagi nak naik kedai makan. Kat mid valley parking tertutup. Tak la kuyup" kata Elina lagi.

"Okeh" kata Hassan lalu memasang tali keledar.

Hari Jumaat. Malam.

Traffic jam dari jalan keluar dari KL Sentral menuju ke arah Mid Valley.

"Haish. Nak pergi Mid Valley pon dah jam macam ni" kata Hassan. Matanye memandang ke kereta-kereta di hadapan kereta Kelisa Elina.

"Biasalah, hari Jumaat. Malam kot. Lagi-lagi hujan macam ni ha." jawab Elina.

Hassan terdiam.

Tetiba, die memandang ke arah Elina yang sedang memandu kereta.

"Awak.. awak tau tak.."

Elina memandang ke arah Hassan pula.

"Antara banyak-banyak orang yang saya pernah contactla kan, awak yang layan saya paling teruk tau."

"Hah??" Elina tergelak.

"Apasal pulak paling teruk?" tanye Elina pula.

Hassan pula tergelak sekali.

"Yelah, kalo girl lain, asyik nak call je tiap jam, nak message je selalu. Awak ni.. saya call bukannya nak angkat. Bukan nak message saya pon. Penat saya tunggu. Baru je start balas message, tetibe lak sedar-sedar diam je. Rupanya dah tido. Memang penat la saya ni nak tunggu awak tau." terangkan Hassan.

Elina terdiam. Memang betul pon cakap Hassan. Die seakan cuba mengelak Hassan. Tetapi hakikatnya Hassan memang teman lelaki barunya. Selepas Razy dan die bergaduh.

Dah hampir 7 bulan tidak contact Razy.

Bila Hassan berkenalan dengannya, terus Hassan menyatakan minat untuk menjadi lebih dari kawan.

Elina menerima, tetapi hatinya bukan terbuka sepenuhnya buat Hassan. Masih teringatkan Razy. Terkenang-kenang.

"Awak tu.. antara banyak-banyak lelaki saya pernah contact.. awak yang paling banyak contact saya tau! Asyik call, message.. macam tak de keje je nak buat tau.." kata Elina pulak.

Hassan tersenyum.

"Yelah, saya nak tau awak macam mane. Saya nak tau awak buat apa. Saya nak tunjuk saya care pasal awak. Tu je."

Terus Hassan memandang ke arah lampu-lampu neon di tepi jalan yang penuh dengan kereta-kereta itu. Hujan semakin lebat.

Elina pon switch off radio. Signal tak clear. Tak dengar pon lagu apa yang dimainkan.

"Best jugak tau ada orang care pasal saya." kata Elina.

Hassan terus memandang Elina, menyentuh rambutnya, menolak ke belakang telinga lantas berkata, "Tau pon".

18 weeks

The screen saver.

A closer look.

Yeah. 18 more weeks to THE exam.

I guess it just seems so near now that we are already in 2010. Back then in 2009, it seemed a bit far away.


I had a case presentation the other day, and I would admit, I haven't been presenting well lately. Sometimes I have a problem on understanding what the lecturers want as an answer. I just couldn't comprehend. But I could still work on that problem.

When I presented the other day, I got scolded badly. And when I said badly, it was like real bad, like a tsunami hitting the ocean bad. Seriously.

Despite that, I guess, all my clinical years in medical school so far has taught me well enough to not break down in front of people even though I feel that my heart is being broken into a gazillion pieces by the biggest hammer ever. Putting up a brave front is pretty hard to do when the lecturer is dissecting my very sentences, to the very words I used to describe the case. But I guess it's all for a good reason. To prepare us to be better doctors.


She then said something like this "All of you are doctors until proven otherwise. That's why I would treat you as that."


I never really thought it that way before this. I thought we are medical students until proven as doctors. Maybe that's the problem. I keep on being stuck on thinking about how to pass exams and all, when I should look at the bigger picture. I should look at how to save lives, and how to prevent deaths. All the knowledge gained today is to be useful for my whole life. Everything taught by the lecturers are to help me make decisions when I'm stuck all by myself in the ward and an emergency happens, and all the decision making is made by me.


18 weeks left. The very last semester, the very last lap to run before the race ends.


We can do this! (as all the doctors who had done it before)

23 things

Okay, 2010 is here. Thought about compiling a list about what I've done in 2009.


The ones striked out are untrue, but I wish I could have done it.
The ones in italic are those that I could still achieve/will be achieving in this year.
The ones in normal font, are definitely true.


1. I climbed up a mountain.

2. I brought a plus one to the medical dinner.

3. I am now at my optimum BMI/perfect weight for my height.

4. I lost my beloved cat, Nelly, whom I had since I was in Form 4.

5. I bonded with my relatives in Sarawak after 6 weeks of electives.

6. I fell for a guy who blew me off my feet, but I couldn't have a future with. Then, I went out with a boring guy who broke my heart to pieces. Consequently, I had my heart brought together back to a whole by a guy who is a ladies man.

7. I learnt how to swim.

8. I wore the sari for the first time.

9. I saw the very buff Taylor Lautner topless. ;)

10. I stayed in a room with no windows for 6 months.

11. I slept in the top bunk of a double decker bed placed in the living room, next to the kitchen of a tiny flat for almost 1 year.

12. I lent money to a person because I had a crush on him.

13. I changed my handphone again this year. I changed my handphone once a year for 4 consecutive years.

14. I study/revise topics everyday for my exams.

15. I spent RM700 on a stereo.

16. I am a certified healer.

17. I discovered 'Glee'.

18. I realized that trying to please others sometimes does not please me. So I decided that I don't have to do what other people expect me to do, but rather what I want to do. Trying to please other people leaves me being unpleasant in the end. But I just keep it all inside (being the Asian that I am). This will definitely change this year.

19. I still have some money in my bank account at the beginning of a new semester compared to the semesters before. (Yay! I can save money after all! :P)

20. I went snorkelling.

21. My hair is currently at waist length.

22. I went to Penang and tried all the famous tourist hawker food.

23. I went to the Great Serdang Debate in my university. Like finally!!

"When a baby comes into the world, its hands are clenched, right? Like this?" He made a fist. "Why? Because a baby, not knowing any better, wants to grab everything, to say, 'The whole world is mine.' "But when an old person dies, how does he do so? With his hands open. Why? Because he has learned the lesson." What lesson? I asked. He stretched open his empty fingers. "We can take nothing with us."



Due to recent events, I think this quote is really appropriate.

I read it on facebook, as a shout out status from a senior of mine back in high school, Sharazad Saiful Bahri.

Don't Rain On My Parade

Listening to "Don't Rain On My Parade" sung by Racheal (Lea Michelle) in Glee (the tv series).

Pumps up my spirit :) That's what we need sometimes, when we're too tired and forget why we are where we are in the first place.

The video features Lea Michelle and Idina Menzel singing "Don't Rain On My Parade".

Don't ever let anyone else be the dark cloud blocking your ray of sunshine,
don't ever let anyone rain on your parade. :)