Sunday, March 20, 2011

open your eyes jacquline

It's amazing about how much we see, but still choose what we want to have our sight on.
Sometimes, it just takes another person to shake you up and point to you the obvious, then something strikes in you and you go 'Why haven't I realize this before?'
Because we choose to be ignorant to the fact.

Back then, I had these friends who seriously are flirting with each other all the time. It was a matter of time before they got together as a couple. When that actually happens, I actually said to them "It was so obvious that you guys would end up together. I cannot see someone else who would fit each other perfectly." But they said, they never saw it coming.

I was with a good guy friend of mine that day, having lunch. It was at one of our favourite places to eat, so we were trying to enjoy ourselves with our meal, while pouring out our thoughts to each other. Those about work, about play and mainly just about anything under the sun.

As we were eating, there were many old songs playing in the background. All the classics such as those Diana Ross songs, Boys II Men and all. I guess I am getting older that I can actually say Boys II Men are classics.

Anyway, back to the story, suddenly my friend was saying out of the blue "Why are they playing these types of songs now? Totally out of the mood. If I'm with my girlfriend it would have been different". I just smiled. His girlfriend is over the ocean, and I guess he would be meeting her soon enough in a few weeks time.

He looked at me and then said "You always say I'm the one who is sentimental, I wonder how it would be like if a guy who wants to court you starts singing to you or something."

Then it clicked to me. A guy did try to sing for me, in fact he was a good singer, singing one of my all time favourite songs, substituting my name inside the song instead. I then told my friend this. And then I did add the fact that after the guy did that for me, he actually asked me to be his girlfriend.

My friend then asked, what was your response?

I got scared I said. So I stopped contacting him.

Then we started to talk about people who I went out with. Those I actually thought I had a future with. The pursuit of happiness was fun, but eventually when the guy becomes serious, and pops of the question as in would I be his girlfriend, I freak out and start running the other direction.

My friend then started to come to a conclusion.

"Now I understand why you don't have a boyfriend. You're afraid of being vulnerable."

Well, I'm scared. If I were to be a girlfriend, it means I'm being committed to something. What if it doesn't turn out right? What if suddenly I change my mind?

Then my friend said "That's why. You're afraid of commitment. You're committed to work. Why can't you be committed to a relationship as well?

Then I said to him "Why bother with titles? It's just the same isn't it? I can still go out with a guy, as a romantic interest, and still have fun right? Why do they have to give it a name? Why do they have to say I'm your boyfriend, and you're my girlfriend?"

Then he further explained "Because it changes everything. Saying that you're his girlfriend would mean that you are willing to be committed to him."

I cringed.

"What's the big deal Farah? You have a guy who would always be there for you, to chauffeur you around, one who would always take your side. Doesn't sound that bad right?"my friend further asked.

It's true. But I'd have to do the exact same thing for the guy itself. What if I don't want to? Then I'd be a mean person because I want to be pampered and I can't pamper another person right? I'm not willing to give in.

Of course I didn't mention the above statement to him.

Instead I said to him "I'm scared. What if something goes wrong?"

"You're still unsure. And you go back to square one. But those guys who actually took their time to think and say to you that they want you to be their girlfriend? What about them? You broke their hearts to pieces."

I just kept quiet.

He further proceeded to take his glass, and slurp his drink.

I guess that got me thinking.

"Until you can figure out what you want, and be ready to be someone's girlfriend, you'll never get a boyfriend. Because you're still not sure." He ended that topic with that statement.

It is true I think. I'm scared of being vulnerable. I'm scared that I might not be able to be a great girlfriend. Most of all, I'm afraid the relationship would not last, and the heartache that comes after.

But how do you move on if you're afraid to get your heartbroken? That I have to figure out.
Do I really not have time for the pain?

*Jacquline was one of my patients in the neurosurgery ward, she had a stroke, and everyday during reviewing her, me and my team mates would assess her GCS score, telling her, 'Open your eyes Jacquline'. But she never did. However she could move her hands, and instead of opening her eyes to that statement, she would lift her left hand (Her stroke affected her right side) and wave to us.

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