It's just one of those days

It's just one of those days. Just last week I was having fun being a medical student, going to Hospital Kajang and all, but today, at this very moment, at 1:13am on 30th July 2007, I am kinda hating it.

I need a vacation. I desperately need one with all my hommies, maybe a cruise near an island with a breathtaking view, or a visit to Rome, or Paris or Tokyo.. whatever?? Doesn't really matter now.

It's just that putting on a mask, a different facade every single day is really taking its toll on me. Trying to tolerate all the crappy things that happen all around me, knowing that too many people want to see you fail, and are talking bad behind you is really pulling me down now. I hate this kind of environment. Everytime I try to be happy, I get saddened by knowing this fact, but yet I have to face these people every single day. Of course there will be people in this world that you can't tolerate, but for me I guess I am an antisocial. Someone who keeps to him or herself almost all the time?? Hehe. I wish. I need people around me to take away my pain, or share my hopes, dreams and happiness with. That's why how people perceive me really matters to me.

But too bad sometimes some people just don't give 2nd chances once you screwed up the first time. Hellooooooooo ... who doesn't make mistakes?? But my worst mistake would be making a mistake in the years where I'm considered an adult and can think of my actions. Therefore, making me guilty of every single sin that I made, every single tear that I've caused, and every single heart that I've scarred. But what if all I'm asking for is a chance to prove myself worthy again?? What if I've turned over a new leaf?? What if I'm saying now that I've learnt so much in these few months compared to years of ignorance in my so-called teenage years?? Would they listen??

I guess not. That's why I will always be the person left out, the person not in the group, the person at the very end of the picture in a group photo. And it hurts all right. Maybe I was too young to know of the consequences of my previous actions, but I'm learning it now, and I'm learning it hard. Damn. Life is cruel.