One on the past, and hopefully the future :P

About 2007.

Well firstly, the year started with preparing for the professional exams I in my second year, and preparing for my bestfriend to fly to New Zealand to complete her studies. And I was still in a state of shock on the loss of my beloved handphone and the wreck of my laptop (the infamous incident which I blogged about in my old blog). I never thought I could ever feel better from being that hurt. I felt lost, without my bestfriend for the support, just being left by the ass boyfriend I had at that time and having just moved out of my old room to a new room in college in a desperate attempt to keep myself calm and not hurt other people, I just prayed that I would pass the exam, so I could be left alone to heal.

Amazingly during the tough times I realized there are others who cared about me, who where still there to keep me happy and catch my tears. :D Slowly I began to make friends again, to go out with new people, to explore new interests, and I am glad to say, I have actually forgiven and forgotten whatever mishaps that had happened. Although at times I would remember my misfortune and actually be a bit mad, but the feeling fades away moments later.

Then I went through the whole research project process, which was much more fun than agony actually, and I got to know a tad bit about how different lecturers from pre-clinical and clinical are. Preparing for the worst in 3rd year, I was segregated to be in the medical posting first, which I thoroughly enjoyed, and I made strong bonds with coursemates who I never was close with before, truly showing that we have always been in specific circle of friends before this.

Towards the end of the year, I started to prepare for another Professional Exam in the January of the coming year, which puts me to a conclusion that 2007 was a year of exams, starting with preparing for one and ending with preparing for another. But it truly was a memorable year, with so many new people that I've met, and some I've become close with, where as others that I never kept in contact with, but regardless, I met people from all walks of life. Besides that, I also got a new handphone, and my laptop was fixed, and there are even broken relationships that were mended, so who am I to complain about what I lost when I have gained so much more?? I guess whatever happened was just a way of God to test my faith, to see what I turned out to be in the end (although I hope I still have a long journey to go through in life, and this incident is only one of the numerous tests I am to have). 2007 was great.

My hopes for 2008?

Well, as usual to lose weight. Haha. To grow up. To live life to the fullest. To meet more people from different networks. To be a better Farah than last year, in terms of studying, and to be a better Muslim. Definitely I don't want to take anything or anyone for granted, and I hope no one takes me for granted or treats me badly too.

Basicly, I just hope for the best, while trying to do the best that I can in no matter what. Happy 2008 :D

Sometimes..

I just feel like crying. And no amount of words of support from my friends can stop me from feeling this way. I hate feeling vulnerable. Just expressing this out in this blog makes me feel crappy. Like I'm a shithead. Like I'm just one of the many girls in KL, with no other significant specialty or talent, blending in the crowd, just like a wallpaper. At times, I just feel like there's nothing to look forward to in life.

Lately..

1. My close friends said that i'm pretty irritable. I curse more. And I definitely am super sarcastic. Maybe it's because of the professional exam that is coming up. Maybe because of the fact that I'm still single for almost a year now. Maybe because my JPA fund is running out and I can't go shopping despite the year end sale going on now. Maybe because I need to install all sorts of programmes to use my handphone and printer that was previously in my newly reformatted laptop, but I can't seem to find the installation cds. Maybe because my clothes suddenly feel a bit tight. Damn.

2. My love to drive around in my car is increased. Driving helps me think. Especially long drives, for example to and fro from my house to my college in Serdang. Around 30 minutes. 20 minutes if i speed. But I hate it if I'm stuck in a jam. So I'd rather stay put at a place, and wait till the peak hours of super jam is done, than I'd make my way to the car for my ultimate driving experience. Most of the times while driving I think about what I'm going to do when I reach my destination. Sometimes I think about the events that happened recently, about people I've talked to, patients I've met.. basicly those who walked in and out of my life. Once in a while I'll be thinking about having someone to drive me to and fro. Especially at times when I'm stuck in a massive traffic jam.

3. I like to watch people. How they act. What they wear especially. I'm not a fashionista. But I'm not wearing scraps from the rubbish dump either. Sometimes, I get to see a guy who dresses nicely, and actually looks good. Happened to me when I'm out for dinner in Alamanda last week. That dude's clothes seriously screams metrosexual, but he has short David Beckham hairstyle going on. Then he smiled. That's when I actually started to pay attention. He was promoting some sort of hot patch for women having period pain. I wasn't paying attention to what he said. Looking at my blur face after his so-called lengthy explanation, he said "Tak berminat ye?" I actually answered "Nice shirt" instead. He smiled. Then I walked on. He's hot la wei. Sapa kata good things in life aren't free? Cuci mata free what :P

4. I miss writing poems. Or short stories. Or poems telling bout short stories. I just seem to be so out of ideas nowadays. And I can't explain myself like I used to. I think my level of writing and talking english have deteriorated miserably. I'm not creative enough. Have all my creative brain cells gone out the window once all we medical students do are read?
I miss reading as well. Not that I'm not reading nowadays, I'm reading medical books, not fictional books like Sidney Sheldon, Jeffrey Archer, Amy Tan and so on and so forth like before.

5. I need money. For food. For petrol. For top-up credit. For shopping. I need money. They say love makes the world go around. In the era of global modernization, money makes the world go round. Dollar is king. (Anyone who saw 'Spinning Gasing' would have remembered that quote)

6. I have urges to study non stop. Then I feel really sleepy. Then I would dream I was studying. Pretty scary. Once I dreamt that I have a black stethescope. Not that having that colour of stethescope is wrong. Just that I am using a pink stethescope. Where the hell do i get a black stethescope in my dream?

7. I found back Dr. Amir. Whom I've met before during my research days. He's still hot. And tall. And hunky. And still doesn't realise I'm alive. *sigh* I don't even know which ward he is working in. But he's in Hospital Kuala Lumpur for sure. I think there most be like a gazzilion of doctors with the name of Amir in HKL. Well.. even if it's not a gazzilion, it'll definitely be more than one right? At least I get to see him in the cafe once in a while during breakfast. This sounds way stalker-ish la. I need to get a bf. ;p

To whom it may concern ;D

By the way, I didn't intend to write two entries in a day, but I would like to apologize for my bitchfit attitude for the past two days. Starting friday and spreading to saturday.

Sorry to hani, who tried to cheer me up on ym on friday night itself, but I talked like nak tak nak je. Thanks to sheflee for caring enough, sending me an sms (more like THE SMS) to make things better.

Sorry to dearest bakyah, izzati in new zealand and seb, because i've been calling and smssing u guys non stop. Bakyah, thanks for the advice, and listening to all the crap I have to say, although like 90% of it is untrue (well we know now ;p). Zet, thanks for trying to give your expert advice on relationships and dating (although you're having your own problems to handle yourself), and showing me that you are there for me although far away. And for seb, thanks for keeping me level-headed, making me not as paranoid as I was when I called you.

And thanks to my brother for being a major pain in the ass, but your advice hit me right where my heart is, and I followed it. :P

To those who "terkena tempias" bitch fit, well, I'm sorry. :D

S.O.S .. study mode needed..

A picture says a thousand words right?

This is what I'm thinking of right now.

And the sentence in white below says ' my gateway to a medical degree'. ;p

Study people, our final exam is in january. And there's so much to read.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

So close but yet so far

It is so annoying. Just when you are about to fall head over heel for some guy (for whatever reasons there may be), suddenly that one guy, the dude, the person you think you might have a chance to live happily ever after (well probably not happily ever after, but happily enough to spend your weekends with) decides to say or do stuff that makes you think over.

Just suddenly they decide to say something about the course you are taking. About how being a medical student changes the very aspect of making a relationship, and medical students can only go with guys from engineering faculties or doctors to be. (Well i tried going with that electrical engineer to be from UTP and it didn't work, so there!)

Then you realise they are just like you, checking you out, but still keeping another eye open for other girlfriend to be girls, just like you are checking other guys in case this one guy decides to break your heart. Or almost break your heart.

What a crappy world. Everyone taking care for their own heart, so who says we should just stick to that one person??

Now i'm feeling crappy. Should watch heroes and drool all over Peter Petrelli or that new dude who can fly, Wes (am I wrong with his name?), and probably my heart would soften up a little.

Life in a summary

Raya is so over.

Medicine posting is ancient.

Surgery is the way to go now. And 6 weeks in HKL brings a whole lot of meaning now. Chaiyok2 for surgery!!

Kinda sad of leaving Hospital Kajang. (no more meeting Dr Meor yang comel tapi blur T_T.. hehe)

Now staying at home with occasional sleepovers in K17.

My JPA fund is running out.

I want the W580i or W600i sony ericson handphone.

I hate dialups.

Hope I will get the streamyx connection ASAP at home AND in college.

Realized that I need to spend more time studying and less time blogging.

Need to lose weight.

Love my new hair.

Need money.

Want to sleep all day long and laze around at home everyday.

Want to meet and date Dr Sheikh Muszaphar Shukor. :D

Hope to meet the person that can put a smile on my face all day, soon??

Hidup sebuah drama :P

I am listening to "I can hear the bells" sung by Nikki Blonsky from the OST of Hairspray. As always, kalo dah stat dengar lagu-lagu jiwang ni.. stat lah berjiwang2. (I don't care, I'm doing my blog in mixture of english and malay this time) Huish.. Seriously in this 2,3 days, I've been following my mood too much. Nak study, bukak buku. Baca sampai tak ingat dunia. Time pemalas and jiwang tuh.. Baring dengar lagu jiwang.. and start la otak tu pk macam macam.. adui.. balik la ke dunia!!!


But I don't care, it's all the unbalanced hormones I have right now, so just cut me some slack aite?? ;p Back then my friends and I said, when we are having a bad day, or having period pain we just absolutely have the right to be mad at whoever regardless --> chance nak jadi bitch for that one day la sebenarnye (and eventually saying sorry to whoever on our outburst after that) :D


Today there is all sorts of drama in the hospital. Firstly there's this one nurse who seriously annoys me. Boleh orang tanye die baik2 die jerit kat kite??? Like hello bitch, what is your freaking problem?? Rasa nak je jerit kat die macam tu, tapi obviously being at the lowest rank of the medical food chain I couldn't do that, so simpan dalam hati jelah. Jadi carik la her "faults" that I can kutuk (duh bitch fit la.. apa lagi).. what I can really notice is, muka die punya la putih, siap ngan eye shadow lagi (ok la eye shadow boleh la puji not bad actually) tapi, seyes kalo suruh die angkat tangan die tutup muka, sebelah tangan je pun, you would realise her hands kan are like ... 5 times darker than her face. That's what I call the case of orang yang terlampau banyak gune krim pemutih muka, ingat cantik ke muka putih macam tu kalo muka tu asyik in a pout je. Ces. Maybe die terpengaruh ngan si Fasha Sanda pakai Garnier tu sampai muka putih gile. Tapi kalo takat muka putih, tapi other parts of your body cam gelap nak mampus what for?? Lagi nampak cam tikus jatuh ke tepung adalah.



Then we were going for ward rounds, suddenly we came across this lady (not really that young.. middle aged around 32 years old), doktor tuh cam baik gile cakap, "Miss (bukan Miss la tapi kena cover nama die yang sebenar), miss, bangun kejap" Boleh die bangun tutup mata tau. Tapi duduk kat katil tu. Firstly, I thought she was blind tau. So I was like "oh, nanti boleh la clerk patient blind for the first time kan". Doktor tu suruh la die bukak mata. Rupanya boleh je bukak mata. --> drama je lebih :P . Die kan, doktor tanye macam tak dengar tau. So the doctor cakap la kuat-kuat sikit, tak sampai ke tahap jerit la, but just sounds like people talking la the sound. Boleh patient tu marah kata "Doktor. Janganlah jerit. Saya ni budak-budak lagi. Saya faham arahan." At that point I was like.. budak-budak? Bukan dah umur 32 tahun ke?? Weird. Then the doktor buat la check for power and tone for the upper and lower limb, then mase nak suruh patient tu angkat kaki die, doktor tu macam pegang la kaki die (at the knee part, bukannye meraba pun, takat just sentuh), tetiba die boleh jerit "Janganlah pegang! Anak dara orang ni! Jagalah tangan tu" Shouting okay. At that point, all my friends, the fellow medical students boleh terkejut, sampai that one dude tu actually jumped back a bit. Okay. Lantak la ko. Probably ngah period pain kot.



Then we went off to the next patient and so on and so forth la. Jumpe la this patient. I clerked her semalam, I wasn't sure of the diagnosis either, tapi to rule out renal colic la because her complaint was of pain at the posterior left flank radiating to the anterior left flank. Thing is, she is staying alone, tak de anak, dah 3 kali kahwin, 3 kali gak divorce. Pretty lonely la pendek kata. Jadi the test results dah keluar la kan daripada the investigations they did the day before, jadi they found out that one of the kidneys cam swelling. Probably a sign of glomerulonephritis or somewhat la. Bile doktor tu bagitau kat makcik tu, muka makcik tu dah berubah dah. And I dah rasa macam smacam dah. Suddenly she took the kain selimut, and covered her face and started to cry. Dengan teruk pulak tu tau!! Sedih tau tengok. The doctor cam dah biasa menghadapi keadaan macam ni, jadi muka die macam tak berubah pun, die terus pujuk la makcik tu. Cakap tak de pa pe sangat, kalo jaga tak lah jadi renal failure and so on and so forth. Pastu die jalan la go to the next patient plak. My colleagues pulak, terus pujuk makcik tu, tepuk2 bahu die, duduk kat sebelah die on the bed, and macam2. 3 of them did that. Me? I was actually stunned. Because I don't really know what to say or do to make her feel better. I just stood there, watching her cry, being consoled by my friends. I'll learn better next time I face a situation like that. I was just afraid I would be the one crying with her instead of trying to make her feel better.

Pastu ada la ikut ward round lagi. Kalo nak terangkan penyakit kat patient, takkanla nak cakap dalam bahasa saintifik kan, jadi as always, doktor tu pun translate la bahasa tu ke bahasa orang biasa or in medical terms we call it "layman's terms". Jadi doktor tu tengah cakap la kat patient tu something that goes like this "Sakit kuning kamu ni disebabkan oleh kuman. Kuman tu ada kat dalam limpa....bla3x"

And me dengan bangganye cakapla kat my friend yang chinese, "oh this dude ada jaundice. And have an infection in his liver."

At that point sorang doktor lain tu pusing and face me and cakap "limpa is spleen la. see how teruk your bm is." terus my friends around me sengih2 cam kambing. malu seh masa tu. dah la aku ni orang melayu. well quarter melayu. (dad = chinese + murut, mom = malay + melanau there fore me one quarter je melayu ;p ) haha. serious la. bm cam fail la plak skrang nih. One day I will try to fully blog in Bahasa Malaysia. by the way liver is hati in melayu.

All sorts of drama in the hospital, and they actually siarkan Cinta Medik kat tv?? Takat hidup pre-clinical je. Langsung tak sama langsung tau!! Mana ada budak medik sebegitu free macam tu. And most importantly, mana ada diorang dok library je lepak. Come on la. Cubela survey betul2 cam ne hidup medical student dulu. One of my coursemate actually said "tak betul la cerita ni. mana ada budak medik lelaki sehensem tu??!!! (tu as in Awal Ashaari)" haha. Terasa dak laki my batch. They're not ugly, but they're no Prince Charming k. You get the picture. Tapi ada la sorang due tu yang kinda cute in my terms. :P haha.


Life is a drama :D

Friends forever??

Since I was young, I've always read in books, or watch in films (especially those meant for teenagers) about once you made a friendship tie with someone, you will stay friends forever. Amazingly as years pass by, I couldn't help but notice how untrue this statement is. We change, and sometimes our friends can't accept the change and they just move on with their lives without us. So do we. As we can't accept changes that our closest peers undergo, (especially if that change involves one of the similarities that causes us to be close to that peer), we start looking for new peers, those who have a tad bit of similarities with us, thus dumping our old friends. So much for best friends forever.


To actually get a long lost acquaintance to actually greet us back and ask how we are doing makes a gloomy day turn into a bright one. There's a Malay proverb saying that goes "Jauh di mata, dekat di hati", but I always thought of it the other way round as "Jauh di mata, lagi jauh la di hati". Isn't that true?? Some of relationships have been broken due to distance.

But what happened to me the other day make me realize how wrong my concept was, and there are people who can stay friends forever with you. Even though you don't meet each other everyday, even though we don't call each other everyday, they still consider you a friend after all those years and all those moments of not being together.


Imagine this.

You are a having a bad day (people are just going ballistic and shouting at you all day long and you heard a bad rumour about yourself spreading around) and your temper's so flared up you want to shout out loud to the world about it.

Suddenly a long-lost-used-to-be-close-friend calls up asking how you are doing.

As you are so pissed off, you ramble about your bad day, shouting, screaming at that close friend, even asking why they haven't been contacting you for so long.

As usual your close friend waits and listens patiently for your ramblings, say some words for the temper to subside, and goes

"I may not be there when you are happy to celebrate your joy,
but rest assured I'd be there when you are having a bad day, and to listen to all your problems, and to keep you cheerful. Even if I don't contact you often, I know all the while you are happy. But today, I have a feeling you're having a bad day, that's why I'm here to call you, to assure you that you have a friend during your bad days too. Because only friends stand by your side when the whole world turns their back against you. Today I am that friend."

How great is that?? Tak tahan la wei.

boring blog entry

Last week and this week has been pretty tiring. Or maybe just because I felt like I need a holiday so I've been slacking off a little in doing my ward rounds. Hehe. I was really exhausted due to playing tennis last week (not that I'm that good in it anyway ;p) and the on-calls, and this week I had all the symptoms of pre-menstrual syndrome, with the out break of pimples on my face and the apthous ulcers in my mouth, I've come to a conclusion that I'm stressed.

Yah. I guess so. Maybe because my case write up which was due 2 weeks ago wasn't finished yet (seems like I have to send it by this week), and there's a lot I haven't been reading, and I haven't been clerking the patients well, and I am definitely sleep deprived, and I am EXHAUSTED.

I need something exciting to happen to me soon. Or I'll seriously slip off to BOREDOME EVER AFTER world.

p/s :- even this blog entry states BOOOORRRIIIIIIIIINGGG all over it. Hopefully the community event I'm joining this Sunday held by the Hospital Serdang folks will be amazing. At least there will be a sparkle in this yet dull blue life. ;p

It's just one of those days

It's just one of those days. Just last week I was having fun being a medical student, going to Hospital Kajang and all, but today, at this very moment, at 1:13am on 30th July 2007, I am kinda hating it.

I need a vacation. I desperately need one with all my hommies, maybe a cruise near an island with a breathtaking view, or a visit to Rome, or Paris or Tokyo.. whatever?? Doesn't really matter now.

It's just that putting on a mask, a different facade every single day is really taking its toll on me. Trying to tolerate all the crappy things that happen all around me, knowing that too many people want to see you fail, and are talking bad behind you is really pulling me down now. I hate this kind of environment. Everytime I try to be happy, I get saddened by knowing this fact, but yet I have to face these people every single day. Of course there will be people in this world that you can't tolerate, but for me I guess I am an antisocial. Someone who keeps to him or herself almost all the time?? Hehe. I wish. I need people around me to take away my pain, or share my hopes, dreams and happiness with. That's why how people perceive me really matters to me.

But too bad sometimes some people just don't give 2nd chances once you screwed up the first time. Hellooooooooo ... who doesn't make mistakes?? But my worst mistake would be making a mistake in the years where I'm considered an adult and can think of my actions. Therefore, making me guilty of every single sin that I made, every single tear that I've caused, and every single heart that I've scarred. But what if all I'm asking for is a chance to prove myself worthy again?? What if I've turned over a new leaf?? What if I'm saying now that I've learnt so much in these few months compared to years of ignorance in my so-called teenage years?? Would they listen??

I guess not. That's why I will always be the person left out, the person not in the group, the person at the very end of the picture in a group photo. And it hurts all right. Maybe I was too young to know of the consequences of my previous actions, but I'm learning it now, and I'm learning it hard. Damn. Life is cruel.

Times change

I used to blog almost every week back then when I'm still using friendster's blogs. I used to blog about every single minute detail of my life, from the guy I liked, my problems, my fears.. my life is basicly examined under the microscope of those who read my blog, which I think was just a handful of readers.

Somehow nowadays I can't seem to blog as before, maybe I just don't know how to start blogging, or I don't know what to write, or because I'm not in a problematic state as I used to be. For your information, I usually blog when I have a clouded mind, when I'm having problems, and especially to inform to my friends indirectly of my problem (well blog doesn't require credit unlike calling on handphones, you don't have to use your energy to explain every single thing, and blogs can be assessed at any time convenient to the reader). Maybe I've learnt to let go of my problems better, or maybe I've became a more carefree person, and learnt that life is not all about ME ME ME. :)

I miss the days where I spent hours reading blogs of others, and planning what to write in my blog and I would look forward to writing another entry for my blog everytime I get on the net. Maybe now I have less time to spent on the net, and maybe I have bigger things on my mind besides blogs like how to finish my research, and be happy with the outcome of the research.

Hehe. How life changes your perspective on what's important for the moment.

I had a chance to go to Melaka wif my hommies Bakyah and Seb yesterday, it was fun. Somehow it reminded me of my life back then in high school where we had loads of fun, and how care free we were, only thinking of having a blast of a time, and planning our next escape plan to spend our time.. studying was the last thing on our mind, unlike now. We've grown up, we've learn how to adapt to the hectic schedule, and we've grown old. Yes, we've grown OLD.

It's actually scary to realise how much responsibility is laid in our hands once we reach the age.

By the way when I was in Melaka, I met a fellow KMPhian, Chip, who was from my very own lecture group. Hehe. It was just great to meet people we know after leaving matriculation for almost 2 years now.

Basicly, I just miss the good ol' days where the only thing I need to think of was where to spend my time. Somehow now I'm planning how to save time from being spent. How times have changed. :)

half way through research

well it's almost one month ever since the research project started. And there's more downs than ups for my group, thank God our supervisor finally has been super understanding towards our problems. Too bad, our group is down with numerous health issues... tonsillitis, fever, flu, sore throats, eye infections.. u name it.. but thank God we got it all together.. especially for this special week where we can watch Pirates of the Carribean 3.. woo hoo!!!!

but that would be after 3 days of hard work, and lotsa patience :)

and maybe we could treat ourselves to a sumptous slice of secret recipe cake too :D

I'm sick

I woke this morning, with a M-A-J-O-R headache. Damn. It hurts so much, I think the only way to lessen it is by me tilting my head to the one side (which really has no medical purposes what so ever I think). It's been like this for a few days now, probably due to the abrupt changes in my biological clock. Now some days I actually sleep in the wee hours of the morning or at least I try, and I wakeup at least before the afternoon.

But yesterday was an exception, I could sleep until after azan subuh, then I slept, put my alarm at 9am so that I can wake up and help out in UPM at 10am (help clean up some place) but of course, the groggy me decided to off the handphone when the alarm is ringing, and I woke up a good half an hour after 12. (Damn!) After that, the whole day was just a major blur for me, and my head was spinning with every turn of my head.

Then came the sore throat, and the runny nose. (Damn, this definitely spells out F-E-V-E-R) By midnight, I'm feeling chills all over, and my forehead is already heated up. So what do I do? Pop some panadols, go to bed. Amazingly I slept until this morning where I woke up at what.. 9 am?? But still the major headache. Felt like just continuing to sleep but I've got work to do. I hate being sick. Because I'll start to think about all the stuff I've been trying to forget, and the more I try to forget the more I remember them, and the more I regret doing them before this. *sigh*

I'm still half awake, trying to keep my eyes open, and hopefully I'll be in UPM pronto. I'm sick. I hate being sick. (Damn)