Now I understand..

..what some people said to me.

I have been absent in the blogging arena for quite sometime, after the ever-depressing blog entry about suicide before this.

That is because I presented badly for that case to Dr. Nik, and worse part is, I presented badly not just to my group, but to the entire class. Yeah. 27 people okay.

So I haven't thought about blogging for quite sometime. Macam thought block pun ada jugak actually.

I felt real numb, depressed for a few days, didn't feel like going to the hospital and so on, but I realize this is one of the few obstacles that I have to get through to get to the medical degree.

Of course, I have to admit, it was hard to pick up the pieces of myself, I saw myself breaking down, I couldn't concentrate on studying and I became hypersomnia. Yeap, I started sleeping so much more, I found myself feeling better everytime I slept. So I kept on sleeping and sleeping and sleeping until I could sleep no more, and I had to face the problems staring at me directly in my face.

I actually became scared of presenting after the incident with Dr Nik, I was afraid I would stumble just like that day, and knowing my knowledge about psychiatric is very inadequate (for the time being, planning to catch up before the exams on 8th September.. eeeppp!!!!! scary!!!) I actually didn't even have the desire to clerk patients anymore.

It was hard for me to go to the hospital, hence I stayed longer at home, coming with multiple reasons why I couldn't stay in the hostel. Then finally, when I actually felt a tad bit better, when I could actually clerk again, I realized that the day of the exam will come eventually, no matter whether I am ready or not. Despite how much difficulty I have in facing and clerking the patients, I have to step up to the game, and deliver the history of the patient when needed to.

So I headed back to Kampung Baru hostel, with my laptop, my clothes, and most importantly a whole new mission : to study psychiatry and do whatever I needed to pass. Because in the end, the lecturers would not see the effort or the problems I face during the posting, but rather my performance during the 20minutes of presentation. Imagine that, 8 weeks of posting, turmoil and ups and downs of emotions, assessed in a mere 20minutes??

Eventually to prepare for the 20minutes of presentation, I decided to present cases, get my self esteem back and hopefully be a better presenter than the incident with Dr Nik.

Today however, I faced Dr Nik again, presenting a case that I clerked yesterday with much difficulty, and again, I was not fully prepared.

Now I understand, what people say when they say they can't concentrate when they see someone's face. Like when they see a girl's face smiling at them, and they are a male, and they couldn't concentrate on what they want to say. However, I felt that way when seeing Dr Nik's face. (bear in mind she's female by the way :P) I actually wrote down what I had to say when presenting, but even so, when I saw her face looking at me, I actually stumbled.

Damn it!

Me, Farah, the one who usually has so much to say, stumbled when looking at Dr Nik's face, even though there was already a script (or so called la) ready.

Now I understand how those people felt. Those who stumbled when they saw the face of a loved one, or a feared person.

I guess this is another obstacle I have to overcome. Hopefully.

At least I don't feel depressed this time around. :D