I am the type of person who enjoys reading book after book during the holidays, the person who could lay on bed for hours staring at the ceiling after waking up, desperately trying to continue back the sweet dream that has been rudely interrupted when waking up, the person who is willing to sit and suffer backache after attempting to gain a level when playing computer games for hours end. All these activities equate fun for me, but it may not be so for other people.
That is why, I surprised myself by acting the way I did ever since the fourth year started. I had the urge to go out all the time, to spend money, to just be away from the comfort of my home, but instead be in reach of people other than my family, some other mere human beings who acts as if they care. Every night I would be caught sending instant messages to people willing to reply to my S.O.S messages, and I constantly have to top up my Maxis credit, as it seems to just decrease by the second.
It's not that I hate the state that I was in, being hyper and all, it's just that it is something really new to me. When I'm hyper I can't think, I act spontaneously, and acting spontaneously equates to regretting the action later to me. It just feels like I'm losing control. Not that I am a control freak. Hardly, I believe.
Sometimes, I feel that I'm not myself, where I can't really tell people my feelings or why I act in such a way that I did. I was at loss for words. Being a person who talks a lot almost all the time, when I'm not talking, my family and friends usually ask me what's wrong. Maybe it's not that something is wrong, but it's just me trying to accept what is happening. Or maybe me just pondering and reflecting back what I did in the past, the present and how I should act in the future.
That's why sometimes I feel that I just want to be away. I just want to keep thoughts to myself, I just don't want to feel obligated to explain myself the whole way.
I just need some "me" time.
I have been having thought block every single time I feel like I want to post a blog entry in this blog. Until I read my friend's blog, and a statement there got me thinking.
Women are like glass, not in the sense that they are fragile but once they are broken, no matter how much glue u use to put it back together it will never look as pretty as it was before.......
The statement was from his blog, which he quoted from another source as well.
Could it be that I have been broken too many times that I could never be whole like before?
Hehe. So drama.
Yeah. I admit. I am a drama queen.
But could that be true? When you have been broken to many times, you could never be the same, exactly the same, the way you were before, true?
And the dreams. Back then, when I had problems or conflicts with people, I had dreams every single night. It was very tiring, I woke up from sleep not feeling refreshed at all. Then, the minute I decided that I should move on and be the better person, the dreams started to decrease in number, and at one point was gone totally. But now, I'm starting to dream again. Now in increasing frequency in fact. Those dreams that seem so true, that when I wake up, I get mixed up whether whatever I dreamt really came true. At times, I seem to think that the dreams have indeed become a reality.
It scares me a lot actually.
I'm not really sure why I'm feeling this way. Could it be because of the preparation for the audit presentation tomorrow? Or the fact that I'm so unprepared for the exam on Friday? Or maybe because I'd be whisked off to Kuala Pilah this Sunday and probably be spending most of my coming 6 weeks there?
I feel as though that going to Kuala Pilah would make me dissolve, particle by particle. I feel like I couldn't be myself, I couldn't be unique, instead having to conform to the surrounding. Blending in is never a bad thing, but being a part of an entity and losing my personality has never been an option. I don't really know why I am feeling the way I feel right now.
I just know that I am so freaked out.
I am not myself.
And I am so insecure.