I had 3 things in my mind when I started of my semester this year.
Firstly, is to study hard enough, and get enough clinical skills and be confident enough to perform during the much awaited professional exam 3, or the final exam before I graduate as a doctor. *cough cough* :P
Secondly, is to lose weight. Like seriously a massive amount of weight (after being inspired by watching The Biggest Loser on Hallmark channel during the previous holidays), so that I would reduce my risk of any hereditary diseases. Besides that, I have frequent chest pains due to gastric or oesophageal spasms, (which even I haven't figure out), so hopefully that would get better too by exercise. Yup, I'm one of those who believe in losing weight through exercise and eating proper meals. All those diets by drinking shakes or what-so-ever, I think the weight would just come back once you stop those diets. But, if you are one of those sort of people, and it has been working for you, by all means, please continue doing whatever you did.
So much for my 2nd thought or objective, it's 11.40pm at night and I just ate a cheesecake given by my floormate after celebrating one of our coursemate's birthday. :P
Thirdly, is the objective which is acheivable but hard to attain, which is to get a boyfriend or to get a significant other. Well, this is my final year *InsyaAllah*, and I'm 23, time is passing by, and I do think about having a family. Even if I couldn't find THE significant other, at least knowing I have a person at the side who at least would give a glimmer of hope that he might want to start a family with me would be enough to keep me smiling at night. For the time being :P
However, looking at the schedule I have now, it seems this is almost impossible. I know, to get whatever I want, I have to work hard for it, but it seems like this objective may be the last thing I would think about for the time being. Spending too much time with the books, in the hospital and not even going out to get to know people definitely decreases the chance of me finding a boyfriend. *sigh*
Yup, being so truthful tonight because it's just one of those days where I doubt whether I can achieve what I have been eye-ing and working for the past 4 years, whether I can stand the stress and all.
Watching my coursemates taking everything in so nicely, and being so confident in the hospital when talking to patients scares the hell out of me. I feel so inadequate! I'm freaked out. Seriously. All the 'what ifs' run through my mind. What if I fell sick during the exam? What if I had a though block during the exam? What if I was posted to a rural area and the patient's chance of survival depends on what is my expert opinion which I should provide in a matter of minutes, or seconds even? (And what if I got it wrong)?
Don't get me wrong, I like being where I am right now. I couldn't imagine myself doing anything else. I get happy easily when I work with people. And being in the place I am requires me to meet people with all sorts of attitude. Sometimes I do feel like giving a tight slap to those who are just mere show offs, but those people are humans too. Maybe they don't realise their character irks me. Maybe my character irks people too. And the thing about character is, its already molded in a person, and being the age I am right now, to change it is almost impossible.
Enough with all the ramblings now, I've got to get back to what I was doing.