This totally explains how I feel right now.
It has been a great deal of time ever since I last blogged, because suddenly I just felt like it wasn't personal anymore.
But I'm losing my fucking mind here. I needed to rant out.
I didn't want to call my besties and bother them with my so-called-the-world-would-end-for-me problems, because they really aren't, it's just the fact that I'm being overly dramatic, or maybe the fact that I really just wanted the attention.
I really don't know how long I can stand being in the position I am right now. Unsure.
Although I've planned so many things for my future, it seems pretty bleak now.
Praying to God, maybe not hard enough to show me the light for the future.
It's tough. Life is tough. Maybe all the story books when we were young should have given us the heads up instead of ending happily ever after like Cinderella, Snow White or whatever princess they created as a part of consumerism and the parents and children will eat it all up and spend countless amount of hard earned money on things like this.
First of all, about work.
I don't get why some people have to be so mean when accepting referrals. Or why some people question every single thing that you do, as if it is totally wrong. Weren't you one of us in the first place? Didn't you feel how it felt like to be judged under a microscope trying hard not to stand out to much because of the uncertainties that you have? Didn't you know how much it hurts when every single thing you said is replied with a shout? Weren't you a human first before you became the so-called life saver or physician?? Did you hit your head hard on a brick on the road to success?
Secondly about relationships.
I could feel him falling out of my grasp. It never really was a relationship anyway, maybe just a one sided, official one for both of us. Now it seems he have found someone who suits him better. And why am I feeling jealous? He never was mine in the first place.
It hurts so much because everyone else seems so happy. They always say someday we will get to be the heroin for our life story too, not always the supporting actress all the time. But when will my time come? I'm too tired playing the supporting actress. I need a break too.
I keep thinking about the one who I told I like him and super freaked out too. Wondered what could have been if I didn't say I liked him. Or maybe if he felt the same way that I felt. But I guess it will always be a wonder. Because he doesn't feel the same way. That, I know.
And the other one, I'm not even sure what that one feels about me. Why are they so complicated? I can't read feelings like I read books.
Which brings me to the third thing, I can't seem to concentrate to study. I try my best to read, but end up staring at the words in the book, which sort of jumble up, trying their best to make my mind more messed up than it already is.
The worse part is, the more I read, the more I feel insecure, as if I didn't know anything about anything from the start.
What is wrong with this feeling?
Why does everyone else seem like they know what they are doing?
Or is it just me being lost now. Maybe I didn't get the memo.