Friday, February 26, 2010

Waffle with ice cream, marshmallows and hot chocolate for my thoughts

Actually, a lot of things had happened. But I'm afraid to blog about it. Suddenly, I feel that blogging isn't safe anymore. You don't really know who reads your blog. Maybe a friend, maybe an enemy or maybe the very lecturer you're cursing. Haha~ Anyways, that's the main point. I don't know who reads it, I'm not really feeling comfortable laying out the very details of my life in the virtual world. I guess I'm not as open as I was when I initially started blogging, like about 5 years ago using the 'Friendster' blog. Many would say, what.. 'Friendster'? That's so ancient, we face-book now. Haha. So true. I guess I am ancient, I was from the 'Friendster' era. At least, I started from a Friendster era, and yeah, I do have a facebook account.

Anyway, I'm going away from my main point. As I watch my fellow coursemates update their blog ever so often, OKlah, not all lah, mainly Anot, hehe, I decided to update mine too. Between the free time I had eating, sleeping, studying and walking to the hospital, I thought, what should I write about? Recent events? Write another novel like story? Or a poem -- which I haven't done since high school?

Well, the very first thing I had to do was just to log into blogspot, and wa la.. Words started pouring into my mind, and my very fingers start typing away at a walking pace, steady, yet full of enthusiasm.

About the recent events thingy.. well, I've mentioned that my beloved cat Pedro died. I'm moving on. My family purchased two adorable young Persian kittens in grey and black as an addition to the cat family in my home. But of course, they can never take Pedro's place. They are not a replacement bear in mind, rather just an addition to what is already there. No two cats are the same, each of them unique, with their own piece of mind, and all my cats that are gone would definitely be missed dearly. I am after all a cat-person, an animal lover, and I get touched easily.

Well, to help me move on from the 'I'm losing Pedro phase' I did one thing that I always did before this, go out with a guy to help take my mind off things. It's just going out, nothing mutual you see. I've done it before, and it has always been the no strings attached principles. You can have your girlfriend or go out with other girls, but when you want me to go out with you or I want you by my side, you'll come to my aid. Some thing like that la.

What I never thought I would do is actually fall for this guy, those of the type I thought would only be a fling, another person who just walks out of my life. And damn I fell hard. I guess there's no one left to be blamed but myself, for the heartache I had to endure when he indeed walked out of my life (no matter how transient the heartache may be), although I knew that it never ever would workout. Like I said, it's nothing mutual. I knew the day would come when both of us would finally admit that it would never workout, but I guess the situation is like waiting for a guillotine to fall down and chop off my head, I knew it was coming, but the pain was still there, no matter how I anticipated the pain to reduce because I knew what was going to happen.

I am mad, not because this guy, this person, this human being walked out on me after all the time we spent together, but I was rather mad at myself for making my head believe what my heart wanted to believe - that it would actually be different, that it would actually become true, that it would actually be a relationship. I was mad at myself. And that's the worse feeling in the world to have. I failed myself, I let my heart push rational thinking aside, and most of all, all that I've done for the past almost 5 years vanish into thin air. Thank God that people around me are constantly telling me how important the next 10 weeks are to me, and how I've worked way to hard for this career I'm pursuing to waste it over a person that I've known for only a short period of time.

Well moving on from the regret phase, I'm basically putting it up in the blog to remind myself of what I did, to make better choices should I come to a junction promising the same results later on in life.

I'm starting the Obstetrics & Gynaecology posting, am in my second week now. Well, almost the end of the second week. Tomorrow is my first day in the labour room as a final year medical student. Kind of anxious and scared at the same time, afraid I wouldn't be able to deliver babies well and professionally as expected. Sometimes, we prepared so hard mentally, on how to react when in front of the real situation, but often we freeze when faced with the real thing. This often happens to me. I guess I'm practicing to calm myself down and not let the nerves get to me that badly. I'm still learning. Everyone is.

10 weeks left. A part of me wants it to end as soon as possible, another part of me is telling me I'm not ready yet. But no matter what, the final exam will come, Professional Exam 3. The only thing I could do now is prepare myself - mentally, physically, spiritually. And pray for the best.

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